Self-Compassion (An Upgrade from Self-Esteem)

Emotional Health & Happiness · By Angela S. McLean, LMFT

In the early days of my own mindfulness training, I thought about skipping over compassion meditation. I later discovered it to be invaluable both in my personal life and with clients. Self-compassion is about learning to be your own best friend. We are not in the habit of thinking about our relationship with ourselves. However, most agree that if we treated our friends the way we treat ourselves, no one would have any friends at all.

The leading researcher on the topic, Kristin Neff, defines self-compassion this way: "When we suffer, caring for ourselves as we would care for someone we truly love." She also stresses that self-compassion includes three components: kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness. Put more simply, self-compassion is loving, connected presence.

Self-esteem became a fashionable idea in the 1960s and picked up steam in the 1980s. It is good that as a society we began to realize the damage caused by the levels of self-hatred and criticism we experience. However, there are drawbacks to the concept of self-esteem. When the goal is simply to like yourself, you must deny the reality that we sometimes show good qualities and other times bad qualities. Self-esteem is then unstable at best, because it only works when we are doing well, and it tends to encourage us to compare ourselves to others.

By contrast, self-compassion is a way of relating to the mystery of who we are that honors the truth that human beings have both strengths and weaknesses. Good feelings do not depend on meeting goals, physical appearance, or being special. They come instead from caring about ourselves. We can embrace human imperfection if loving-kindness is added to it.

The key to finding self-compassion helpful is intention. We cannot soothe painful emotions by trying to fix or get rid of them. "We give ourselves compassion not to feel better but because we feel bad," like taking care of a young child with the flu, with gentleness and patience.

It is very comforting to know that therapy, as well as specific daily practice, just like daily exercise, can train the brain for compassion towards ourselves. Self-compassion meditations with yummy titles like "affectionate breathing" and "soften, soothe, allow" can be found for free on Kristin Neff's website. However, many find coaching and training with a counselor helpful as they attempt to implement these strategies in daily life and find their own voice of self-compassion.

Reference: Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff

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