Mindfulness Skills for Couples

Marriage & Intimacy · By Angela S. McLean, LMFT

Mindfulness is defined as present-moment, non-judgmental awareness. Generally, mindfulness skills are taught to individuals to help with individual problems such as stress, anxiety, depression, impulsive habits, and medical conditions. Mindfulness meditation has been shown to have many positive effects. It is discussed frequently in the news, and most people have some idea what mindfulness is or wonder if meditation might help them. A lesser-known fact is that learning mindfulness can also help your intimate relationships.

Individual mindfulness to help your relationship

Of course, simply reducing your own stress level can help your relationship. We all know how much easier it is to enjoy our partner when we are not feeling stressed. However, there are several ways individual mindfulness may help your relationship beyond the obvious. First, mindfulness practice teaches you to become more aware of your own thoughts and emotions as they arise. Our intimate partners can trigger an emotional reaction that we later regret more easily than anyone else. As you become more mindful, you may be able to observe these emotional responses as they arise and make a decision about how to respond. Common mindfulness practices can also be applied to relationships:

1. Savoring – Savoring is the practice of being mindful of positive experiences. In long-term relationships, the positive experiences with one another are often found in small, everyday interactions. Good feelings towards your partner are usually deeper but more subtle than the big, overwhelming emotions of a new love. Try savoring positive experiences such as the time of day when your partner always remembers to bring you coffee, or simple physical touch.
2. Gratitude – Making a gratitude list is often taught along with other mindfulness skills. Simply listing the things we are grateful for helps balance our brain's natural tendency to focus on negatives more than positives. This effect of remembering the bad and forgetting the good definitely applies to long-term relationships. Try listing all the reasons you are grateful for your partner.
3. Compassion – Loving-kindness meditation (also called compassion meditation) is a common mindfulness practice. By repeating phrases describing kind wishes towards ourselves and others, we can grow our capacity for empathy and compassion like a muscle. Compassion can be defined as kindness in response to another's sorrow or stress. Building compassion skills and the ability to stay with and hold the difficult emotions of yourself and others can greatly improve intimate relationships. Our life partner is often the primary witness to our lives. Increasing our ability to hold one another with compassion during painful and stressful times grows our bond.

Practicing mindfulness together

Practicing meditation together in the same space can be an intimacy-building activity. There are also interactive meditation practices that can be done together by focusing on your own and the other person's breathing, using silent eye contact, and attending to the felt sense of connection or disconnection as it flows and changes. However, many will find the informal practice of simply being together without having to say or do anything for a few minutes a day deeply connecting and restful.

Finally, there are several ways to apply mindfulness skills when communicating with another person:

1. Waiting to speak and speaking slowly – With mindfulness, conversations about important topics can be easier and everyday interactions can go deeper. This involves letting go of your own thoughts, judgments, and analyzing while the other speaks. Try only listening rather than trying to fix problems or change uncomfortable emotions. Pause when the other is done speaking, taking a moment to relax your mind and body and attend to your present experience of connection with them. Then, when you speak, do so slowly enough to stay connected to your body and heart.
2. Embodied listening – This is the practice of listening from the neck down. Attempt to feel in your body what the speaker is saying, as well as listening with your eyes and ears.
3. Three objects of awareness – When you listen to another person, try to keep your attention on (1) your body sensations, thoughts, and feelings; (2) your partner's words, body language, and facial expressions; and (3) your felt sense of connection and disconnection with your partner.

For more on building intimacy with mindfulness, including in-person training and coaching, consider couples counseling with a therapist trained in mindfulness.

References: The Mindfulness Solution: Everyday Practices for Everyday Problems by Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD, and Mindfulness and Psychotherapy, edited by Germer, Siegel, and Fulton

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