Marriage and Money

Marriage & Intimacy · By Angela S. McLean, LMFT

Managing money is one of the topics brought up most often in couples counseling. As you can imagine, many husbands and wives argue over this topic. These arguments can become frustrating and hurtful if they continue.

Other couples avoid arguing about money. They give up, keep separate accounts, and divide up the bills. Often these couples see their money management as a non-issue. However, couples who have kept their money separate have frequently set up separate lives in many other areas as well.

It is hard work to get two people to operate as partners on finances. But if you want a long-term happy relationship, it is worth it. Often couples are tripped up because they think the money itself is the problem. Some believe if they could just resolve their differences about money, all would be well. Others think that by having separate accounts and preventing arguments they have solved the issue. In truth, both groups have only missed or avoided a deeper problem. Money is the symptom of the problem, like the cough when you get a cold. Except with a cold it is okay to just treat the symptoms, as they go away on their own within a week. If you ignore symptoms in your marriage, they are not likely to go away. Instead they settle in and fester like an untreated infection, breeding resentments that over the long term can contribute to marital dissatisfaction or divorce.

Here is a list of some common underlying problems that are often expressed through arguing over money or keeping money separate:

• Off balance with yours, mine, and ours – Every couple needs space, time, and material things that are their own. Shared space, time, and material things are also important. In a healthy relationship these are kept in balance.
• Lack of conflict resolution and problem-solving skills – Navigating a long-term relationship as partners requires skills for discussing disagreements productively and reaching a mutually acceptable resolution.
• Not developing common life goals and shared values – Money in our society is generally a means to an end. Our life goals and values go a long way to determine how we spend money. Healthy, happy couples work together over the long term on joint life goals and tend to share most values in common.

Of course none of these are hard and fast rules. There very well may be many couples who have a generally healthy, happy marriage and still argue about money from time to time or have decided to keep money separate in some way. However, consider this perspective. If you think some of this may apply to you, or your relationship has room to grow in one of the areas mentioned above, you may benefit from couples counseling.

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